Hey, Jealousy!

Originally posted April 29, 2025

When I was in high school, I was tormented by two girls in show choir. Shaleah and Linda would stand behind me on the risers and constantly criticize me. I was too loud, I was too sharp, I was too confident, I missed a step, my boobs were too big (yes, this was an actual criticism). At one point, when I was humming quietly to myself while doing some homework, Linda accused me of living in Skittles World, and said I was too happy. I couldn’t figure out why these girls hated me so much or what I had done to be the recipient of their bullying. I did all the things to try and win their approval-I sang quieter and without confidence, maybe I was singing the wrong notes and I should just let them take the lead. I second guessed myself on everything, which made me forget those dance steps even more. I changed my clothes so that my body wouldn’t offend them. I became a shell of the joyful, creative person that I was in an attempt to be accepted, or at least not bullied by these girls.

As an adult, I was recently on the receiving end of some petty jealously, and I wish I could say that my years of wisdom and experience prevented me from acting like a wounded teenager. But my immediate thoughts were “Why don’t they like me? Why are they being so hurtful? I’ll just make myself invisible so they can’t be triggered or offended by my existence.” I was again trying to diminish myself and my joy to appease someone’s insecurities.

Jealously is a part of life, but as artists I feel we are more susceptible to it. We put our souls and our vulnerability out there, with the intention to inspire, but it will inevitably attract judgement and jealously. It’s just part of what we do. I think the hardest lesson I’ve learned throughout this experience is that you can’t control what other people say about you. The only thing you can control is your response.

According to psychologist Dr. Magdalena Battles, jealousy is rooted in feelings of inadequacy and dissatisfaction in one's own life. Here are her tips for handling the haters: (You can check out her full article here)

·      Delete. The internet and social media has made it all too easy to hurl insults and hate while concealing one’s identity. Got a hater? Delete their comments. If their hatred persists? Delete them. It’s one thing to have respectful discourse, but you do not need to tolerate online bullies.

·      Directly address the issue. Talk with the jealous person. Do not do this when you are angry or if a bout of jealously has just occurred. Wait until you are calm, write out your thoughts ahead of time and approach the conversation with respect. Speak to them with kindness and empathy, and treat them like you would like to be treated.

·      Remind yourself that it’s them and not you. Their jealousy and underlying issues are causing them to act this way. Try not to take it personally.

·      Disarm them with positivity. Knowing that a person’s jealousy is rooted in their own insecurities, self doubt, and feelings of inadequacy can help you be more understanding and change your reaction when someone acts out in jealousy toward you. If a friend makes jealous comments toward you disarm them with a positive comment.

·      Ignore and avoid. There is a slim percentage of this world that simply does not change no matter what tactic you use to disarm or disengage their jealous behaviors. These haters will hate you because you are too perfect, then they will hate on you the next day because of your faults. Choose the higher ground, which is not reacting to their negativity. Although it will still not be pleasant, not giving them the satisfaction of seeing you upset can help you get over the situation more quickly and move on to more pleasant people and conversations.

·      Keep being you. Sometimes having haters is a sign that you are doing things right in life and are successful. People who are jealous of you know that you are doing well and they want that for themselves. Rather than investing their time in making their own lives, better they try to bring others down. Keep being you and remind yourself that their comments are based on their own failures and dissatisfaction with life and have nothing to do with you personally.

·      Focus on relationships that encourage. You can’t make all people happy. Rather than focusing on changing these people to like you, focus your time and energy on those relationships that are encouraging.

New episodes coming soon!

In the meantime, check out this episode with comedian Carole Montgomery. Carole has dealt with her fair share of haters throughout her career and her resilience and confidence is contagious.

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Thanks for sharing part of your day with Anxiety and the Artist. Be healthy. Stay creative.

-Allison and the A&A team